“I think there is pressure on people to turn every negative into a positive, but we should be allowed to say, ‘I went through something really strange and awful and it has altered me forever.’” — Marian Keyes
I went through something really strange and awful and it has altered me forever. Truthfully, there have been a lot of “somethings” — small and large somethings, depending on how you look at them, from childhood to now. This past weekend, I was overwhelmed with emotion talking about one of those somethings — the loss, three and a half years ago, of a close friend of mine who’d overdosed on heroin. During the last four or five years of Kristin’s time here on Earth, I’d watched her struggle, taken her into my home, drove her to meetings, tried setting her up in rehabilitation. Her battle became mine, and when it was lost, time and time again, I lost bits of myself — each misstep, every fall back, chipped away at me. When it ultimately ended, a part of my own spirit was left in that hospital room where she took her last breath. Time doesn’t heal grief, it merely puts distance between you and The Very Bad Thing. A song or a scent — or a shirt, apparently — can stir up all the anguish from things strange and awful. (For me, this time, memories of her came flooding in because I was wearing the blouse I wore the last time I saw her alive, sober, and well.) And while through the years, people have told me, “You did all you could,” it’s never been easy to find even the slightest positive in any of that. It altered me. Despite it all, she is gone, and I’m still here. That will never not hurt.
I opened my phone this morning to a notification about World Compassion Day. Which reminded me that a week or so ago I received a similar calendar notice about World Kindness Day. Rather than recount here what Google tells me about the founding and purpose of those “holidays,” let’s take them at face value. Both observed in November, the month in which we’re encouraged to be grateful and give thanks, the names suggest we remember to be compassionate and extend acts of kindness. Of course gratitude, compassion, and kindness should be part of our regular practice, not just something we do or feel on this or that day in a given month. There are even said to be health benefits to incorporating them. For example, The Mayo Clinic says, “Studies have shown that feeling thankful can improve sleep, mood, and immunity. Gratitude can decrease depression, anxiety, difficulties with chronic pain, and risk of disease.” While we can’t turn every negative into a positive — not by any stretch — I’d venture to say there’s something, even on the darkest days, we can find to be grateful for. And being compassionate and kind costs us nothing.
During this holiday season, a time of year that can exacerbate the negatives as we miss loved ones who have passed or are nostalgic for the more magical, carefree moments of our youth, remember that each of us has our own grief, traumas we carry — our “something really strange and awful” that’s affecting us or has left a lasting mark. A lost keepsake, a car wreck, a cancer diagnosis, a divorce, a miscarriage, a sick pet, family squabbles, job loss, a sleepless night, or a no good, very bad day can alter a person. At various times, to varying degrees, we’re all experiencing the myriad emotions and stresses, anxieties and hardships that come with existing as sentient beings. You’re allowed to say — out loud — that you’ve been through something really awful and strange, or are going through it now. The scuffs and scrapes may scar, but you’re not alone. Try looking at strangers in a new light. Right now, in so many ways, you are me and I am you, and we’re going through something strange and awful. But we’re still here, together, and even when it hurts, one way or another we’re going to be all right. For that, I’m thankful.
