I am seriously thinking about becoming
an
“end-times” fanatic. It seems about that time anyway, so why not
have
some fun with it? Just yesterday, I was thinking that in a few weeks
I will be HALF A CENTURY old, which means if I should happen to live
one more year after this upcoming birthday, I will have been alive
in — count them — seven decades. Absolutely no offense
to my many dear friends who are older than me, but I’m not sure if I
can take it, mainly because it’s too damn hard to keep up. Just read
this:
T-Mobile announced the company’s second Android phone, the MyTouch
3G, on Monday based on the HTC Magic platform. The MyTouch 3G is a
touch-screen, slab-style smart phone with improved multimedia features,
Microsoft Exchange support, and some applications that will be
exclusive to T-Mobile.
“This is our next Android phone. It continues our leadership with
Android and the partnership that we’ve established with Google,”
T-Mobile CTO Cole Brodman said.
The MyTouch 3G will come in black, white, and red. It has no
physical keyboard, relying instead on the Android 1.5 OS’s virtual
keyboard for entering data. It features a 3.2-inch, 320×480 touch
screen, 3.2-megapixal camera, MicroSD memory card slot, and built-in
video recording and playback capabilities. The phone connects to the
Internet via T-Mobile’s 2G and 3G networks, foreign 2G or 3G networks,
or Wi-Fi.
Come again! I read that and have no idea whatsoever what that could
possibly mean. First of all, I couldn’t get past the name “Android”
phone and that this is the second one. See? “Android.” End-times. Why
would a phone need a “magic platform”? And how do you call someone if
you don’t have a physical keyboard? Can you stare at it and think of
the person with whom you’d like to speak and he or she appears as a
hologram on your wrist or something? And who needs this? Sounds to me
like something only the Antichrist would need. Again, end-times.
And what about French president Nicolas Sarkozy trying to ban the
burqa in his country? He says the outfit is designed to debase women,
and I suppose there’s an argument for that, but what next? No speaking
Arabic within 20 feet of the Eiffel Tower? Personally, I think burqas
look kind of cool, unless they are being worn by white American
television journalists. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Katie Couric
wearing one, but if I do, it may be time to head for the hills and find
a cave to wait out, yes, the end-times.
Here are some other things I, personally, am going to watch out
for:
That guy on paid programming who looks just like John Waters and
talks at length about colon cleansing and sells his colon cleansing
product. If you haven’t seen this guy, you absolutely must make it a
priority. It is mesmerizing. He talks very casually about his young
daughter’s bowel movements being the size of his arm, because she has a
young, clean colon. And his favorite thing to discuss seems to be how
much fecal matter was found in celebrities’ colons when they died. When
we start to see and hear more about this or if it becomes part of the
mainstream consciousness, well, time to get a new credit card and live
it up because the end is near.
I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!. I don’t think this
needs much explaining. This is humanity gone so repugnant and so wrong
that it’s almost a no-brainer that the world is coming to an end as we
know it. It is definitely a sign that the masses who embrace it no
longer serve a purpose on this planet.
Dick Cheney. I wanted to put his name in the hat, because someone
wrote a letter to the editor of this paper last week congratulating me
for not mentioning him and how disgusting he is in my last column on
this page. Talk about your garden-variety Antichrist! The guy is a
poster child for Armageddon.
North Korea. Why in the world do they want to bomb Hawaii? Why do
they want to bomb anyone at all? Whassup with that? They sure are testy
for such a tiny little country.
Sarah Palin in 2012. Just like herpes, she keeps coming back over
and over and over. Now it’s David Letterman with whom she’s at war. She
can’t talk about policy and issues so she has to aim her moose-sniffing
senses toward him. They should duke it out on I’m a Celebrity …
Get Me Out of Here!. As long as it’s going to be the end of the
world, we might as well have reality television finally end with
something remotely interesting, something it has yet to achieve.
So there you have it: Sarah Palin in a burqa strapped to a Korean
missile flying toward David Letterman wearing a Dick Cheney mask. I’m
counting down the days.