Sunday, October 30, 2011

Jack Does a Three-way

Posted By on Sun, Oct 30, 2011 at 9:32 AM

Dear Jack,

My new girlfriend is a horrible singer, but she loves to sing. She sings in the car, she sings around the house, she sings at parties. She even sings in bed. She's so out of tune, it's pathetic. People cringe and look away, embarrassed whenever she breaks into song.

I don't know what to say to her. I really like her when she's not singing.

All Bleeding Ears

Dear ABE,

I don't want to get all Seinfeldian on you, but you might have to find a new girlfriend.

The only thing worse than listening to someone sing badly is listening to someone tell you how badly you sing. If you want to shatter her illusions and break her heart, go ahead and tell her. A more subtle approach might be to take her out for karaoke and let her experience the gruesome reaction of an impartial audience.

Dear Jack,

My mother recently divorced her third husband. Her whole life, she has been married to someone who could take care of her. She's very good at finding wealthy men, so she has money coming in monthly — quite a bit of it.

I'm the oldest of her kids and was the first to move out. I moved out pretty young, before she and dad divorced, because I couldn't stand to be around her. But over the years, we've reconciled and have grown quite close. Because of her declining health, she can't live on her own now and so I let her move in with me. I'm divorced myself. We pooled our money (most of it hers) and bought a nice place.

It has all come back to me — why I couldn't wait to move out, all those years ago. The woman is a nightmare, especially when she hangs her health issues around my neck and guilts me to death. I would leave today, but I can't afford to live without her. What can I do?

Maybe Moving into a Motel

Dear Norman,

Do you have a basement you can lock her in?

Seriously, you're both adults. Tell her you won't be treated like a kid anymore. You've grown up — now it's time for mom to grow up, too. Tell her if she doesn't shape up, she'll have to hire somebody to take care of her or else move into a home. If that doesn't scare her straight, nothing will.

Dear Jack,

We live in this wonderful little bungalow in Midtown. We were so lucky to find it, especially considering the price. It has some problems but all old houses have problems. The neighborhood is fantastic, and we have the best neighbors ever.

My boyfriend wants to leave. He is convinced our house is haunted. He says he can't stay there at night by himself and I work nights. He's a big guy and I never thought he'd be scared of anything, but he really doesn't like it there. I came home the other morning and found him asleep in his car.

I haven't felt anything in our house except peace. I love this place and don't want to leave. What can I do?

Afraid to Move

Dear Fearful Mover,

I assume this is a rental you're talking about, not a house you purchased. If so, why not move? Sure, it's a great place, but you can find another one, maybe even a better one.

You probably can't break your lease without losing the deposit, so agree to move but only at the end of your lease. Meanwhile, give him the job of finding your new place. Since he is the one insisting on moving, tell him it has to be just as good as the house you're leaving.

Because if you don't move, he might move without you, and then it will be just you, all alone in that empty house with a ghost.

Got a problem? Let Jack Waggon set you straight:

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